Holding Hands
Over the years playing rugby, I’ve tried giving things up in order to give the best performance that I could. I gave up drinking a lot of times but it never really helped since I really only drink after practice and games. Plus all the guys just kind of made fun of me which didn’t bother me but it didn’t help me win. Another time I gave up playing on one team to help the other and ended up winning championships on neither so that was a waste. I gave up on stagnating progress once, by playing on the provincial team and that didn’t help either.
So I’m going to give up the one thing I haven’t tried yet. I’m going celibate for the season. I’ll save some of you the trip to dictionary.com and let you know that that means no sex until the season’s over. In fact if you see me doing anything more than holding hands with a girl after May 1St I will buy you a beer. Now obviously I’m getting on in years and thinking about settling down so the one exception I’ll make is if I meet the woman of my dreams and honestly think I’m going to marry her someday soon. If that happens then you should congratulate her… I mean me on finding the perfect woman.
Now I’ve never been one to hold out on my friends and team-mates so I invite you all to go ahead and go celibate for the season as well. Now I don’t want to discriminate but this offer doesn’t apply to the married guys on the team. The way I figure it you guys probably haven’t had recreational sex since about two weeks after you tied the knot and probably haven’t even had productive sex since the month in which your last child was conceived, I’m just guessing here but I’m right aren’t I?
posted by Ovett at 8:39 AM
13 Comments:
I smell a trap... or at least a catch-22 for all the times that Ovett is going to be busted this season.
Has avid movie buff Single Black Rugby Player been inspired by Brokeback and is trying to make life imitate art on the rugby pitch???? Stay tuned…
I, for one, am concerned that hairy palms are going to impede the passing of our scrumhalf worse than ever before...
no trap. no brokeback. no sweat i'll wear gloves.
I wasn't going to look up "celibacy" on dictionary.com or anywhere else beacause I get all the facts I need from movies and television. So when I saw the word "celibacy" I tried to remember what movie I saw it in. It was 40 days and 40 nights. Long story short, you shouldn't need gloves because you shouldn't be growin' any palm hair because if you go celibate you shouldn't be "exploring youself" shall we say. All that being said, can I borrow your copy of "Young Latin Girls 3"? Just until playoffs.
Combining "bonds and stuff" and "holding hands," I would like to offer a $1000 celibacy bond. SBRP would put up $1000, to be held in trust by the President. Should he break his vow of celibacy the bond will be forfeited. If he keeps his vow, his $1000 will be refunded with a $100 "good-behaviour" endowment.
Mr. President, I think it is a brilliant idea. I would be willing to help you gain some of that cash by sharing some of SBRP's weaknesses (one of which being easy french women who think black guys look good) if you would be willing to split the cash with me.
It's an interesting deal but a 10% return isn't really worth it considering you might drink it all or put it towards my 700$ in delinquent dues. Although, if you'd like to play a little joke on the easy french chick that thinks black guys look good, then get in touch.
So you're going to play rugby and not have sex...this doesn't sound like a life altering change. IT's one thing for Josh Hartnett to "go dry" but you live in the desert.
a girl up for a deal, i was gonna comment SBRP's sexist comment (ie changing french women to french chick) but then i remember a tshirt i saw at yesterday's practice. i believe it said "women play rugby. chicks watch".
so instead ill give a shoot out to all french chicks and tell then the a second time to check dictionary.com before embarrasing themselves
though single black rugby player may claim to be taking one for the team, as everything else in his life, it all comes back to getting him laid. A celibacy vow getting you laid?? youre probably thinking hes some kind of a genious. it's pretty simple really.
See anytime hes getting closer than holding hands, he will buy all those who catch him a beer, including of course the girl he is fondeling. With every beer shell be that much drunker and let him get that much farther. as he get farther he will have to buy her another beer. until hes done and the cycle is broken.
so really this is all a reverse celibacy pledge.
watch out girls, he's smarted than the average single black guy!! shit i'm gonna get nailed for calling black guys dumb.
i would just like to point out that someone thought "i c thru u like the beer goggles ill never wear" was written by Scott Gill. its an honor just being put in the same category. id like to thank everyone who helped me get here. hashem, my friends who molded me into the bad person I am. and of course Ovett for teaching me about his ways so well that I can see through them before he even makes his move
ps scott definitely has beer goggles. or at least he did a few years back...
Is the reason you're such a good coach because you haven't slept with your co-coach, because I think it might be worth being a bad coach.
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